My neighbour is a breath of fresh air

DENNIS D. MUHUMUZA

She joined me in this neighbourhood about a month ago – and like they say when you have met Jesus Christ – life has never been the same again.

On Sunday evening, just two days after she became my next door neighbour, I heard a soft knock on my door. “Come on in,” I cried without taking my eyes away from the book I was reading, disgusted at being distracted.
My visitor didn’t even wait for me to finish the chapter I was reading.

“You have so many books here,” she said warmly, taking in my box-sized living room. She wore a flattering white dress with red polka dots. I smiled inspite of myself, but regretted it when a quizzical expression twisted her pretty face.

“You cut a comical figure,” I explained myself, “been long since I saw a girl dressed like that.”
A quick lightening of something like fury flashed in her eyes and I hurried to elaborate; “I don’t mean that in a bad way, you look quite dashing in that little dress and I was thinking I wish all girls dressed like that.”

Then I quickly changed the subject by asking, “How can I help you, Miss?”
“Nancy,” she said, extending her hand in greeting. It was very soft. And Nancy was on “an orientation mission…getting to know my neighbour” and “practicing good neighbourly etiquette.”

I never knew of a thing like that and I didn’t like her guts. I mean I was not going to entertain someone who would often disrupt those special solitary moments, like when I shut myself in my room to recite poetry, listen to lounge worship or read a book.

I remembered how I had been on the verge of abandoning this hood because my previous neighbour – a pretty single woman who left for ‘work’ at 8p.m and returned at 6a.m, had two-loudmouthed twin boys that just never left me alone. I had been relieved when I returned from work one slow evening and found her suddenly gone, although days later, I was terribly missing her ‘naughty boys’ as I called them.

And here was this stunning one, with beauty larger than First daughter Pastor Patience Rwabwogo’s, so full of herself; would I tolerate her?
It turns out that Nancy was a real godsend. She’s a born-again Christian just as I am and sings in a church choir. My, my, you should hear her sing Crystal Lewis’ Beauty For Ashes!

I’ll never forget the day she asked me what I do. “Budding writer,” was my reply, at which point she told me she was impressed. And the next day, she read me a two-page story she had written. It was a boring jumble but I asked her to read it over and over so that I could hear her voice again and again!

She must have thought I liked it because she wore a killer smile all day. She also offered to massage my bony shoulders and clean my room. Nancy sometimes brings me steaming coffee and stays longer reading.
She’s a great cook too, and at her insistence, I no longer have my meals in restaurants. I buy food and she cooks and we eat together like a lovely couple. It’s very funny and I’m loving it.

The other day, she joked that I’ve taught her to consume books like a fire does a dry bush. And she’s quite a talent when she gets to tell about the book she has completed reading.

Today, Chapter 9 is my favourite of Nicky Cruz’s A Final Warning because it’s the chapter she found me reading the first day she knocked on my door. It’s titled ‘The incredible joy of being there.’
And I know what you are thinking. No, I’m not in love with Nancy!

--Sunday Monitor, June 22, 2008

Blessing out, who will be the apprentice?

DENNIS D. MUHUMUZA

St. James, the half brother of Jesus, writes in his gospel that the untamed tongue – small as it is –is a flame of fire capable of causing enormous damage.

Having survived 15 raging weeks of the Apprentice Africa show, Blessing Njoku, wherever she is, must be remorseful for ignoring James’ warning and allowing her tongue to end her race just a fortnight to the top.

This being the ultimate job interview, Ceo Biodun Shobanjo asked the three of the original 18 contestants remaining to persuade Bank PHB and Insight Communications executives why each of them is the most fit to become the African Apprentice.

So began the interview with Blessing being asked about her ability to handle pressure considering her pedigree of breaking down whenever they lost. She answered without batting an eyelid that once she scooped the job she would be fine. Did she believe there are difficult people? “I believe there are no difficult people, but people we have difficulties dealing with,” she answered smoothly.

Then she was asked what micropedia, macropedia and encyclopedia are, she was not far from off and could have earned 75/100. The questioner probed deeper, managing to expose her. For example she said she had read 20 books in the past year. Can you mention them please? And she fidgeted.

She then proudly reiterated that she can be “manipulative” seeing the ease with which she can sell you what you don’t need. It was a mistake she would later regret.

Then came Eunice Omole. For someone with a Bachelor’s degree in Economics from the prestigious University of Virginia, it was shocking that she had no clue what stagflation is. She however answered other questions brilliantly, and with her sexy appeal, the judges licked their lips and soon forgot her mess. In a hot boardroom, Shobanjo told Eunice that she is over-confident and aggressive and needed to work on her listening skills and asked Isaac to be a little more aggressive.

Turning to the Igbo lady, his small eyes dancing with pending trouble, he said, “You were said to be a strong fighter… but there was an expression you used during your interview that you were manipulative… I’m seeking to hire an apprentice that is wholesome and solid; someone whom I might entrust one of my companies… and based on the fact that we live in a society where integrity is extolled over being manipulative, plus the fact that there wasn’t much depth in your answers…Blessing, I regret to say, you’re fired!”

Sales manager Isaac Dankyi-Koranteng is determined to be one of the top five African business executives, and although critics have called Eunice a vicious little-brained “bitch”, she has held her own and proved she works harder than she likes to party. It’s therefore not clear who between the two will be “knighted” on Sunday but the finale promises to be the most thrilling battle of the sexes.

--Daily Monitor, June 21, 2008

'Gadd’ and the tongues in church!!

DENNIS D. MUHUMUZA

Drama unfolded in the old days of the Jews. On the plain of Shinar in Babylonia, Noah’s descendants burnt the midnight oil planning to pay the ‘Man Upstairs’ an incognito visit.

They were somewhat tired of being ruled by someone they could not see, and began erecting a skyscraper that would take them to the gate of God.

More amused than angered, the mighty Jehovah stood on his balcony, smiled a little and suddenly, they began babbling among themselves in previously unknown languages: Rukiga, Latin, American English, Kiswahili, Greek, Luganda etcetera.
It’s known today as the Towel of Babel fiasco. Prior to that, so it’s recorded in Genesis 11, the world enjoyed a common language, not the endless dialects that confuse us today.

“Do you hear wharram sayin” is the question! Very interesting is that this lingo has found itself in church and seduced our musical “celebs” like Ragga Dee whom we hear in Mbawe going on excitedly, “My God my Lord my Gaddi…!”
And “Amen” has become “Eme!”

Pastors cry out, “Ken (can) sambaddy (somebody) give Gadd a high five!” and when it comes to the spoken English language, Christians are really kool. Their accents when they say the precious prayers! God now becomes ‘Guard’ possibly because He guards our hearts.

In high school, the born-again brothers spoke for us whenever we visited girls’ schools because we “was” (saved “Gs” have no “were” in their vocab) ashamed of our Runyankole accents. Men!!! The Jesus brothers “was” kool when they opened their mouths and poured out their Gadd-anointed “lyrics!”

Then came the tongues! “Them” folks have certainly forgotten nothing about Acts 2 when a few days after Jesus’ resurrection, the believers that had gathered in a prayer room heard a sound from heaven like “the roaring of a mighty windstorm” above them, before what looked like “flames or tongues of fire” appeared and rested on them. They instantly spoke fluently in “other languages!” so much that the godly Jews were bewildered to hear their own language being spoken by strangers.

“How can this be?” they exclaimed. “Are not all these speaking Galilean, and yet we hear them in our native language? Parthians, Medes, Elamites, residents of Mesopotamia, Judea, Cappadocia, Pontus, the province of Asia, Phrygia, Pamphylia, Egypt, and the parts of Libya toward Cyrene, visitors from Rome, Cretans and Arabs…we hear them declaring the wonders of God in our own tongues!”
God must be a linguist! From the Tower of Babel to this experience that came to be known as Pentecost! It is said that the Jews were amazed and perplexed (two strong words) and asked themselves, “What can this mean?”

I’ve heard it said that God offends the mind to reveal the heart. When we human beings can’t understand and explain a thing, we usually get offended. This day saw offended Jews who made fun of the tongue-speakers and hollered, “They have had too much wine, that’s all!”

Tongues in Pentecostal churches! Tongues! I’ve been to many overnight prayers in these churches and speaking in tongues is the hallmark of these prayers. Only they don’t speak like they are speaking Greek or Latin. It is words like “Bara ka rabe…santa ra kaba (not Santa Anzo)!”

With curiosity, I’ve discovered that these languages are used as a prayer language. They call them tongues of angels. A language God understands. So, when you speak in tongues, you are speaking to God, not human beings. Probably these tongues are what caused the “worldlings” (non born-agains) to cry foul. Haven’t you heard the complaints about “noise” from “Balokole on Friday nights?”

I stay in a noisy neighbourhood (disco until dawn) but no one ever complains. Well, maybe because “we” understand the language disco speaks – so we “aint” offended! But tongues! Oh my Gadd, the loud tongues! “Yah rwa basha nda ka ra…hallellujah somebaddy give preyz in tha house of Gaaaaaaadd!!!”

--Sunday Monitor, July 13, 2008

Isaac Kwabena first winner of The Apprentice Africa

After 16 weeks of rigorous business challenges, Isaac Kwabena Dankyi-Koranteng, 30, entered the records as the first winner of The Apprentice Africa reality business show. The born-again Ghanaian told Dennis D. Muhumuza how God and being himself helped him beat 17 contestants to the crown.

How does it feel winning the ultimate sixteen-week job interview and becoming the first African Apprentice?
I feel highly elated. Words can’t express my feeling. It is joy born out of respect for all my fellow contestants. I see winning The Apprentice Africa as a golden opportunity that I’ll use to build a huge network with top executives and learn from them as well. With God leading the way, the sky is certainly a stepping stone.

Has [Biodun] Shobanjo already handed you the car keys, and have you budgeted for the US$200,000?
I have received keys to my car. It is a Toyota Corolla and I appreciate it. However, on my budget for my salary, I never discuss with anyone other than my wife. Hahaha!

What will be your major roles as the African Apprentice?
I’m yet to finalise my job description with my employers. I know for sure I have a lot to offer both Bank PHB and Troyka Group of Companies.

Was there a secret strategy that brought you victory?
If there was any strategy, then it was to be myself and give my utmost best in every task we executed. However, understanding the strengths and weaknesses of each of the candidates helped in effective working well with everybody. Just like a game of chess, every single move has a consequence and must be thought through well.

When you look back, do you see contestants that could have been better than you but were just unlucky?
I respect all the contestants. I know each of them has the capability and the capacity to be the apprentice. However, me winning was not a matter of luck as luck for me is just another name for tenacity of purpose. In as much as I respect each of the remaining 17 candidates, I believe I deserve this win. It certainly has been by the grace of God.

What was it like competing with these other 17 devastatingly ambitious Africans?
For me it is the greatest experience one can think of. You see, after working with them, when you step out into the world, you feel everything is moving just too slow. I wish we could be working together all the time. The experience with these smart people is worth more than the $200,000.

What was your impression of Ugandan contestants?
They are fighters, smart and will never give up. Deox certainly was a strong contender and no wonder he was in the final four. Nancy for me was the hardest nut among the women. She has what it takes to stand any challenge. She impressed me so much. Oscar, wow, is a nice dude who will make everybody around him happy. You hardly find such people on your team.

What was most special about the business tasks you were given?
Getting things professionals use weeks and months to execute in just a day.
I can never forget how everything is possible within the shortest possible time. All that is needed is commitment and the strong will to get it done.

Do you think The Apprentice Africa show will in any major way help convert poverty in Africa?
The $200,000 will certainly help. That’s on a light side. I really think people running their own businesses and those wanting to start can learn practical lessons which will help them avoid certain mistakes in their businesses. Hey, once we have an effective and efficient private sector running, poverty is reduced.

Are you afraid you may not measure up to Shobanjo’s expectations once the going gets tough?
He had 18 weeks to study all the candidates and finally chose me. I would want to believe he very much knows my strength and weakness. I am daring and no matter how tough the going gets, I believe by the grace of God, I’ll make headway.

Is there anything you want to forget about the show?
Yes. The nightmares I had after each boardroom. Whether we won or lost, I would always dream about the task. It was so stressful.

Any message to future contestants?
Get ready to face it tough. You must have drive to succeed, but most importantly, believe in what makes you a force to reckon with.

--Daily Monitor, Monday, July 7, 2008

Isaac hired

DENNIS D. MUHUMUZA

A smartly dressed man and woman, visibly struggling to contain the pressure, sat on either side of the tough but well liked man that was in a few hours about to employ one of them.

This was the culmination of what had been dubbed the ultimate job interview. The two had risen above 16 others and galloped into the finals. And here they were in a huge packed Lagos hall and no one knew who the big man would hire.

Would it be the small, “action-packed” and “aggressively tactful” Isaac Kwabena Dankyi-Koranteng from Ghana or was the greater destiny of the day going to be carried by the unapologetically “blunt” ‘Americanised’ Nigerian called Eunice Omole?

We had for 18 weeks watched them welcome with zeal the corporate challenges. They had led their teams to victory as project managers and fought for their lives in the boardroom.

King Solomon once saw under the sun that everything is decided by chance. Was luck then to determine the winner tonight? Not easy for sure. And here, Ceo Biodun Shobanjo once again asked the finalists to convince him.

Isaac knew the African terrain better, he said, and had been described by his contemporaries as a “genuine article” and “fantastic leader,” and even likened to Barack Obama.
Eunice said she had worked in prestigious firms and won the plaudits for outstanding performance.

Shobanjo was convinced but the rule of the game dictated that only one of them would be his apprentice. The winner would work for Bank PHB for a year on expansionist projects in the rest of Africa. It was a humongous challenge, he said, but one that had “great prospects.”

In the concluding battle, Eunice lived up to her malicious reputation, accusing Isaac of being an average person who had reached this far by exploiting her skills and those of his competitors. It was very ironical for she had practically relied on the shrewdness of the Ghanaian for their latter victories.

Isaac’s rebuttal was an exposé of her duplicity and lack of integrity as was witnessed in several tasks. He argued that someone who cannot be trusted in smaller matters cannot be entrusted with bigger business. Then rested his case. Eunice’s face turned red with indignation but she had no chance to fight back.

Africa’s finest brains had competed and tonight was the night to pick that someone with a combination of intelligence, street smartness, integrity and ability to relate well with people and manage conflicts. At this point, Shobanjo breathed in – slowly – and a hush descended upon the room.

“Isaac…you…are…hired!”

A joyful din! Congratulatory hugs! An electrifying smile from his wife Linda! Don’t ask me how Eunice took it. All glory was on the first African Apprentice! There he was, with a champ’s poise in between a satisfied Shobanjo and the MD Bank PHB as camera flashes brightened the hall.
For Africa, it was a night to remember!

--Daily Monitor, July 5, 2008

Ugandan Apprentices receive warm welcome

DENNIS D. MUHUMUZA

At Arirang Korean Restaurant on Thursday, it was an evening of deep laughs and good jokes at the WBS cocktail in honour of the return of The Apprentice Africa contestants. Oscar Kamukama, Nancy Kalembe and Deox Tibeingana who starred in the Lagos based business reality television show –gleefully talked about their experiences and what a cruise it had been..

They had been fired by Ceo Biodun Shobanjo but they were worthy ambassadors still, they effortlessly agreed. “Nancy and I were the first project managers of the first business task of the first Apprentice Africa program,” said Deox. He had shone up to the last four and was the only one to have led his team, Zulu Corporation, to triple victories as project manager. Deox came alone, and needless to say, some pretty hot numbers had their eyes on this enigmatic Kampala lawyer.

Oscar, a friend for all, a free spirit that loved the fun and the fine wine in Nigeria arrived with his girl friend Miria. The scribes took in her glamorous black frock and sparkling jewelry and nodded, for in the luscious beauty from the land of milk was something similar to the unforgettable hippy African woman he painted during the eighth episode of the show. Besides a pregnant Nancy was her husband Andrew.

A few clips of their action were played. After the clip about Nancy ended with her being fired by Shobanjo, Wavamuno joked, “Nancy, you hire me to go and look for that guy, ha ha!”

They laughed but big Wavah could have been determined. He seemed shocked too that everyone was in awe of Shobanjo. Does he have a yacht? I have a yacht. He went on about his 69-bedrooom house, wondering again, if Shobanjo owned one. “If he [Shobanjo] was competing with me, I would beat him!” Wavah was certainly in boasting mood. And it was not about riches only.

Earlier, emcee Kenneth Kazooba nearly courted trouble when he invited “Mr Wavamuno” to come and say something. “I’m no longer Mr,” snapped his boss, “otherwise you’re demoting me.” Someone shouted, “He needs to be fired” at which point Kenneth hurriedly apologised, and this time called on “Prof. Dr. Wavamuno” to address the patrons.

The good Prof. smiled and congratulated the trio for representing the country well. Your performance was a forward step in the business industry, he said, and hoped it was a training not just a visit to Nigeria . “This was a real story,” he said. “This was not Gaetano in South Africa [for Big Brother.]”

From somewhere snatches of Careless Whispers sipped in while Deox told a little tale about how Nigerian women, regardless what they are wearing throw up their legs whilst mounting boda-bodas called Okadas. Present were three Nigerian Bank PHB officials who laughed and clapped wildly. It was way past 9p.m. by the time the ebullient guests found their way home.

--Daily Monitor, Monday July 7, 2008

Andrew Wommack is coming to Kampala

DENNIS D. MUHUMUZA

American evangelical teacher Andrew Wommack will spend a weekend in Kampala next week. He’ll hold a teaching seminar on Friday July 11 at Hotel Africa starting at 9a.m and will the next day be hosted by Pastor Hebert Kiwanuka of Glory Christ Church, Kasubi.

Since an encounter with Jesus in 1968, Andrew has crossed the world “teaching about God’s unconditional love and grace.” He travels with his wife Jamie.

Ugandan born-again Christians, who watch ‘Gospel Truth’ on Lighthouse Television, are familiar with the soft-spoken servant of God whose greatest attribute is the simplicity with which he expounds the totality of God’s love.

His daily Gospel Truth programs are also broadcast on over 80 American radio and television channels. Led by God, Andrew founded the Charis Bible College in 1994 to produce earnest fishers of men. He is also the author of Spirit, Soul & Body; a book that Christian scholars have called the answer to the disturbing questions that keep many Christians in spiritual poverty.

His impassioned views once indulged the wrath of critics who accused him of being a false teacher, claiming that 90 percent of his teachings are inspired by the doctrines of Kenneth Hagin, a fiery American preacher who died in 2003, than God.

When Andrew invented the popular coinage –‘name it claim it’, blab it grab it’ by advising believers to speak to their wallets and command their money to come in, critics called that satanic but Andrew believes believers should always have “steak” on the their plates (be rich) while they wait for the “pie in the sky” (heavenly glory/richness).

The man coming to Kampala says the key to everything is having a personal, intimate relationship with the Lord.

--Sunday Monitor, July 6, 2008