Presenting...the Ivory Tower’s hunks

The use of the word 'hunk' is as common as it can get among campus babes. While the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary defines this as "a man who is big, strong and sexually attractive," girls at the Ivory Tower use this word to refer to a guy they fancy.
Never mind that the chap may resemble a chimp, as long as he got the dough, he'll be a 'hunk.' Surprisingly, it's the most intelligent girls one witnesses going beady eyed as they splash beautiful words about their 'hunks.'
"Guess what!" she'll excitedly tell her mates, "Derrick took me out last night. Oh I love him, he's such a hunk." They make him sound like an Adonis and you cannot help feeling jealous.
For instance, there's this guy, in my class. He's got scary skin and a huge nose. His feet are heavy and his breath really does reek. He smokes like an old pipe-puffing Rastafarian woman. Heavy bangles encircle his wrists and an earring dangles from a hole on his left ear. He carries himself like a god, but you would not class him as your fine specimen. The lad is ugly.

But for some reason campus babes are mad about him. Yes I know he walks with a spring in his step and has got a smooth baritone voice but does this make him a hunk? Our ladies think so and more so when he smiles. This object of interest has got lots of shillings as well. Like Carl Sundburg wrote, "When you got lots of money, you feel very funny/ And snug as a bug in a rug." This guy fits this description and girls would die to have him.

Besides, he's got such strong arms that when they circle those tiny waists, the girl's adrenaline flows. At least that's what campus babes say. Thus it's always the strongest, the macho guys you watch in movies and this guy that have a helluva lot of tricks down their sleeves to make them hunks in the eyes of campus Delilahs.

So guys, good looks, explicit honesty, and flair of speech no longer count. If you're broke and skinny, even if you have the warmest of grins and the finest set of teeth, campus damsels will never be yours. Such girls can only give in to 'hunks' - the bad boy with a sense of humour and a rat face. Free spirits not satisfied by the pleasures of the world. Those with lots of cash to splatter around. The groovy type that will be ready to gamble through life intensely and compulsively no matter what. If you cannot comply, then you deserve no place in the hearts of Makerean girls, for my dear, you’re no hunk.

Published in Daily Monitor, May 15, 2004