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Yet again, Christmas is knocking; the day the son of man joined the world but was to later redeem our wrongdoing and sacrifice his golden blood at the unforgettable Calvary. For the Christians, this is the day to rock-rock, and jig bump-bump to Christian music jamborees - dusk to dawn, remembering the historical birth of Jesus Christ.
For lovers, it will be a lovely day and a night to burn midnight candles in bars boozing, loving, playing fiddle-fuddle and generally making merry. The story will be spiced by the sound of music, waltzing and all!
For the kids, the day is all about dressing nicely and munching those chicken pieces joyously with carols echoing in the background. Not forgetting mothers rolling away chapattis, branding bread with blue band and honey and then snacking.
But it all comes up to going to church for both parties on this glorious ding-dong, jingle bells and "Happy Christmas!" day. And the proggie thereafter? Well lovers in the house tend to panic. Because on this day, the chummiest of the guys have to accompany their shapely babes out for the 3 Cs (chips, chaps and chicken). Then they will patch in Santa Claus decorated places, next to scarlet tables as they pop bottles of gin and enjoy their noel. What a day!
Ladies also have to make floral decorations, purchase chocolate-jammed edibles to please their saga boys. This is the day that must be pretty arranged for. For I know the broke dudes prefer straightening their ties like gentlemen before telling their beautiful ones to order with gentle ease, even when pockets are mourning. Very sad! Girls also have to drain their purses, or detooth to have their hair well done, not to please Jesus in commemoration of his birthday but to please their men. It later boils to the pitter-patter of excited hearts that shift to doing bad manners and blackening the jolly day of JC.
Despite the cash obstacles, there is a master plan; you can love all day and celebrate Christmas with all the love there is without much ado; no shedding of coins, no nothing, but everything.
Just take a deep breath. Now, guys love good movies! So girls, if you rent a hooker, an irresistible movie, say about the infant redeemer being laid in that crib for feeding cattle, surely you will have cheekily managed to surprise your boy. Guys never consider that stuff, who knows, the lad may even get saved in the process and then you will not worry about his boozing addiction or his love for other skirts. Do this when the cockcrows, scramble some fried eggs, make faces at him as you pull him out of bed. After the film, do not forget to drag him to church!
At the return, it will be payback time. Biggy, you had better hitch up a deal with your intellect lest you bore your babe to madness. How about wearing a solemn face, and in that masterfully rehearsed baritone implore your date: "Excuse me Miss, what is your name, where are you from, can I take you out tonight?" Don't just pump out the words, do it for fun just the way Luther Vandross did, lyrically!
You probably have no idea how girls relish the guy on bended knees as he appraises his angel. Women love to be praised. Call it a recipe for feeling good but the bright-eyed ladies after the satisfaction engineered by flattery will wholly open up and the happiness that comes with this will hilariously ignite the friendliest of feelings! And what else would you desire for Christmas?
Many guys make a mistake thinking that after church one must go for a movie or hit the dance club. No, woo her into accepting a leisurely stroll in the neighborhood, or in front of your house. As you walk hold hands, move up and down like a honeymooned couple on a star-lit beach. Women prefer such crazy, special moments. Be a creative man, a romantic chitchat -- whispers, sweet jokes will be your torchbearer. Above all, think, think and think!!!
Look dreamily in her romantic eyes; tell her they are more beautiful than you ever saw. Look at the skies and think about love, observe the moon poetically, whisper, say you love her. Remember you are broke, it's a big day, you couldn't afford a good gift, neither have you taken her out, so you must be at your best. For the married, how about making love under the sun! Crazy? I am not a love major, but it would be a pleasant idea!
It is amazing how little nothings tickle girls to the extent of caring not to conceal their excitement. Clutch that chance; get that pretty girl to like the idea of always staying home with you; just the two of you if it is a gigantic day like Christmas. And lo, she will be yours forever and ever! Amen.
As surely as birds chirp at dawn, when the girl gets to appreciate at the crown of the day, you will not believe it, "If this be I!" you are bound to exclaim. In all, having a joyous Christmas without spending a shilling may seem so beyond a dream to most guys but for the chosen successful few, it feels real good.
Just imagine staying home and manipulating your comely girl by ogling her as if she is the Virgin Mary land to earth from mars! Or looking at her luscious lips the way Miss World would eye the most beautiful red rose ever encountered!!
What pleasure it will distill in her heart knowing you find her attractive is beyond man's comprehension! My research has also proven that every human being in a skirt likes poetry. Recite her a sonnet. Those rhyming couplets, the crisp music in those 14 lines and the sound, I swear can daze her with endless love. Don't blow it man: Shakespearean poetry is waiting, do it with one heart as if you were making love to your bride!
Hoping, like the cliché, that all is well that will end well. Wish you the very best of Christmas!
Published in Daily Monitor, December 24, 2004
